Well, this post has been in the works for about 4 months or so and every time I come back to post it, I end up adding something new or editing it some more. Before you read this post, I want you to know that this is not a long, negative rant about someone I once knew who broke my heart. It is about all that I have learned since the day it ended.
The story goes like this: I met a boy in high school a little over 8 years ago. We were great friends but never started a relationship until after we had both graduated. We dated for three years and I had actually started thinking that this would be it and we would be together forever. *LOL* I did everything I could to make sure he knew I was 100% supportive of his dreams and aspirations and was always by his side. We didn’t start fighting until about 2 years in. Now, these weren’t big fights, they were little things like “we never see each other” or “just pick somewhere to eat already” nothing too major.. UNTIL I started getting suspicious. Now, I know that it definitely takes work on both sides in order to have a happy relationship so, in all fairness, I knew I wasn’t perfect and that I needed to work on myself and the way I treated him in order for us to make it. I was never unfaithful nor did I ever seek out someone other than the man I was with, it NEVER crossed my mind.
This brings me to the point of this entire post, LADIES & GENTLEMEN, if you are suspicious of your partner doing something that he/she shouldn’t be doing, you’re probably RIGHT. It started when we would go out for date night and what not. We would sit at the table and he would make comments about other women’s apperences or he would blatantly look at a female walking by. *I know you all look but when it is every women that passes by your table, come on, have some respect* Then came the texting, snap chatting, Facebook messaging and whatever form of communication you can think of but… while we were on dates and spending time with each other. We would be having dinner and drinks and he would be on his phone constantly, not listening to the conversation I was having with him and if I would call him out, there would be another fight. I would see snapchats or texts from a “female friend”(s). Of course I knew something was off but do we really ever know how to confront this type of situation? Every time I would ask it would be “oh stop, it’s just a friend” or some dumb excuse and somehow, it always ended up being my fault.
Then the day came. Saturday June 3rd. We were sitting down having breakfast, after an argument might I add, *I was asking what was wrong, he got mad and said nothing* the usual. I look down and had a message on Instagram from a girl I didn’t know who said she had been talking with my boyfriend *did I mention, of 3 years!*, and thought I should know. She said she had proof and sent me over every text message they had from that Tuesday-Saturday. Now, let me back up just a tad.. that weekend before (Memorial Day weekend) we took a trip to San Diego and spent 4 days together celebrating our 3 YEAR ANNIVERSARY. Anyways, she said she had no idea he had a girlfriend, she had asked him multiple times *I read each text and proved it* and he had said no, his last one was 2 years ago. *Cool, clearly I was NOT on his mind* She had looked him up on Facebook *I mean DUH that’s what every girl does, not sure why he thought he could get away with it* and had seen all of our pictures together, including the ones from our trip to SD. Needless to say, we went home and ended things. After that, we ended up talking a few weeks later, more so as friends,but I accepted the apology and moved on. *I was taught to forgive but this was something I’d never forget* We ultimately stopped talking which, to be honest, is extremely hard when you’ve been talking with the same person for that long.
After I found out about the cheating and ended it, I was stuck with nowhere to go. My emotions went through waves. When I first got the news, my stomach was in knots and I just wanted to throw up. Then, once it sank in, I started thinking about the why? Why did he do this, why am I not good enough, why wouldn’t he just end things? Over and over again it replayed in my head. This was the worst feeling ever. Constantly asking myself multiple questions that I would never find the answers to, I was beating myself up inside. I have never been through this before and wasn’t sure how to handle it so..
Heres what I did:
1. I sat in my room and cried. Someone gave me advice many years ago “you have 24 hours to mope and cry and eat tons of junk but, once that time is up, you’ve got to move on.” That’s exactly what I did. I cried, sat around with friends and talked, ate junk, and so on. Once that time was up, I jumped back into my routine and worked solely on myself. I kept very busy with work and planned social outings whenever I got the chance to.
2. Whenever I caught myself thinking about the “why”, I snapped out of it and told myself “it doesn’t matter” because guess what, it didn’t. He cheated, it happened, it was over. There’s no going back and not only that but it wasn’t my fault. Yeah I may not be perfect but I didn’t need to be. Someone is going to love me for who I am and accept all of my flaws.
3. I went on dates, *most people don’t recommend this but, I wanted to meet new people* and had awesome conversations but I realized what I wanted and what I needed and that was to focus on ME.
4. I wrote. Just as I am doing right now. All of my feelings, concerns, fears..etc. Writing it all down helped me get everything out on paper which is extremely helpful when looking back.
5. I made a list of what I wanted in my next relationship. *This isn’t a “must-have” list or an unrealistic list* I wrote down what I wanted but also what I didn’t want. This allowed me to reflect on my relationship and realize what I had been missing.
6. Lastly, I let myself be free. I went out and danced with friends, I went to dive-bars and sang karaoke, I reconnected with old friends and I had the best time! *Still having the BEST time*
I still remind myself daily that it wasn’t me and it wasn’t my fault and if I could give advice to ANYONE that’s been cheated on, it would be just that, it’s not your fault. I was so wrapped up for a while about what I had done wrong that I was losing myself. Once I was able to control that thought, I felt like myself again and allowed myself to completely let go of the relationship.
I’m not going to lie, when a partner cheats or when someone breaks your heart, it takes a very long time to move on. However, taking the time to work on yourself will always have a positive outcome. Also, when you have family & friends like I do, it helps tremendously, I don’t know what I would have done without you guys *y’all know who you are*
I hope this post helps someone someday. It’s not easy dealing with this type of situation but as cliche as is sounds, it makes you stronger.
The Chic Politique